• It’s not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

  • You aren’t drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

  • We have enough youth. How about a fountain of “smart.”

  • The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

  • A fool and his money can throw one hell of a party.

  • When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

  • Learn from your parents’ mistakes, Use Birth Control

  • Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

  • Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.

  • We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

  • Red meat is not bad for you, fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

  • Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • A good thing about Alzheimer’s is that you get to meet new people every day.

  • You know why a banana is like a politician? When he first comes in he is green, then he turns yellow and then he’s rotten..

  • Congressmen should wear uniforms like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

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